


I Sought My Brother

by Baamon5evr



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Gen, Slight OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 22:10:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2204868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Title is taken from this quote] "I sought my soul but my soul I could not see. I sought my God but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three." </p><p>Summary: Basically, Stefan calls Damon instead of Elena when he's in the bar parking lot. {set during 3.01}.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Sought My Brother

Stefan walked out of the bar breathing heavily. The air was slightly cold and he could just barely make out his despair laden breathe escaping his mouth and flowing into the ether. He was falling apart, he was finally breaking. It was easier to keep being the ripper when he resigned to the fact that he wouldn't see anyone from his old life for the next decade but being in that studio and seeing Damon again, easily observing that despite his sarcasm his older brother's relief at seeing him was clear in his eyes, seeing the anger and betrayal when Stefan killed Andie had hurt and it was at that point he felt it. He felt the snap.

He'd been practicing to turn his emotions off when he killed and turn them back on after; it was so he wouldn't lose himself in the ripper like he did in the 20s. He thought he had switched it off, he thought he wouldn't care but Damon always had a way of creeping in and being the center of Stefan's world even when Stefan wished it wasn't so. Damon's ill feelings towards him for killing his faux girlfriend almost made Stefan drop down on his knees and beg forgiveness for all the lives he'd taken over the past few months but if he did that Damon wouldn't give up on him and he would end up getting himself killed. He never fully knew how dangerous love was until he was in that apartment with Klaus trading his life for his brother's, never fully realized how dangerous his attachment to Damon made him to innocent bystanders until he was in that warehouse draining that girl of her blood, never fully acknowledged just how far he was willing to go to protect Damon until he forced Damon to watch Andie fall to her death. Yet, he did it, he did all those things because a world without Damon wasn't a world he could bare to live in for very long.

Stefan loved Elena, with all the love his undead heart was able to give, he loved her but with Damon it was different. His love for Damon came from this much more eternal and sacred place; he loved his older brother with every piece of his mind, body and soul. He would give up anything for Damon. He already gave up his self-control, his sanity, Elena and he didn't regret it, he couldn't regret it but standing in this parking lot running his fingers through his hair, tears standing still in his eyes and grief heavy in his chest he knows he's slipping away. He wants to turn it off so badly, wants to not care about any pain he's caused Damon but he's afraid, he can honestly say for the first time since he left with Klaus he's terrified and not of Klaus but of himself. Stefan scrubs at his face with his hands trying to ignore the tears obscuring his vision and then his hand seems to take on a mind of its own and pulls out the new cell phone Klaus was making him use. He looked down at it contemplatively; his fingers also seem to take on a disembodied life and tap out the familiar number automatically. Stefan feels a tear slip down his face as he brings the phone to his ear.

**TVDTVDTVDTVD TVDTVDTVDTVD TVDTVDTVDTVD TVDTVDTVDTVD**

Damon sat on his bed seething; he couldn't believe Stefan would do something like that. Andie was innocent and Stefan didn't need to bring her into it. He couldn't believe it; he was so pissed and hurt. Stefan really was far gone, worse off than Damon originally thought. He thought he saw a flash of the real Stefan, his Stefan, when he was holding him back and not allowing him to save Andie but it quickly faded and Stefan was gone. Damon was even angrier because the whole encounter was nowhere near the happy reunion he had hoped for. He had thought of the things he wanted to say and do when he saw his brother standing in the studio. He wanted to hug him, to tell him he loved him, to smack him upside the head and tell him what an idiot he was for leaving with Klaus, wanted to demand answers from him for not saying goodbye when he left but most of all he wanted to shroud his baby brother in a shield of protection, he wanted to hide him from the world. He even caught himself wishing he had a vervain dart because he was seriously considering knocking Stefan out and making him stay in the tomb until they figured out a new way to kill Klaus. Yeah, he'd pissed but he'd be alive and safe and Damon would always know exactly where he was. Damon felt his chest getting heavier and his eyes and throat burning. He growled at himself angrily he wouldn't cry.

"Damon" he looked up and saw Bonnie standing in the doorway

"Oh, I so am not in the mood to deal with you right now, Judgy" Damon said getting up and walking to the bourbon bottle on his side drawer.

"Elena told me what happened at the studio." She replied walking into the room but not too much, indicating she didn't plan to be there long.

"I'm sorry about Andie but-" she continued but Damon cut her sentence off

"But what? I'm sure you can find some way to turn it on me seeing as how, according to you, I'm all that's evil in the world."

"Look, I'm not saying it was your fault, which is an odd occurrence. What I am saying is that Stefan is your brother and he gave himself up to Klaus because of you, you can't just give up on him." Bonnie asserted earnestly

"Since when are you a Stefan fan? Either way, Stefan chose this. He chose to go be with Klaus. I'm sure they have lots of meaningful conversation in between their slaughters. They can chat about the weather, debate coke versus pepsi, talk about how Klaus sacrificed Stefan's girlfriend over an alter fire in the middle of the forest. Good times I'm sure." Damon sneered back taking a long swig from the bottle.

"He did it for you! Because he loves you! Of course, you never loved him back enough." Bonnie stated accusingly. It took everything in Damon not to snap her neck then and there

"Shut up witch! Of course I love him that doesn't mean I have to broadcast it every other second. I'm not a pansy."

"If you love him so much then why did you give up on him?" Bonnie said back, she was glad she'd caught him in her trap. She managed to get him to admit his love for Stefan even if he completely disregarded he even said it. She snapped out of her thoughts as Damon went to answer her latest question.

"Stefan isn't exactly lacking in people who'll always choose him first. He doesn't need me." Bonnie rolled her eyes at that

"If his own flesh and blood won't keep hope alive for him why should, correction, why would anyone else? Besides you always whine and bitch about people not choosing you first, not seeing you. Your Father, Katherine, Elena, yet you always forget that Stefan always puts you first, always sees you, always loves you and if you can't put aside whatever is stopping you from fully committing to finding him and saving him we'll lose the real Stefan forever." She said before walking towards the door and leaving. The whole conversation just got him angrier he heard the door downstairs close and not a minute later he was walking into Stefan's room. He looked around for a few seconds; the room was untouched, just as Stefan left it

'Stefan will want it when we find him' Elena had said and that fueled his anger he drank some more bourbon and then proceeded to swept the journal and papers off Stefan's desk, he pushed the armchair over and swept some stuff off the armoire, he threw various glass and other fragile objects against the wall, shattering them to pieces. He broke the desk chair and hit one of the lamps with the chair's leg, not breaking it but causing the lamp shade to hang off precariously. He picked up Stefan's guitar ready to do more damage but he couldn't. He felt the guitar slip from his fingers as Bonnie's word finally hit, like an aftershock following an earthquake. He placed his hands on the edge of the desk leaning on it heavily,

'You're his brother... did it for you... he loves you... never loved him back enough... always chose you first... keep hope alive... lose the real Stefan forever'.

Damon sniffled as his eyes burned, he didn't want to cry but he didn't think he could help it. Just then he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket and he was so emotional, for lack of a cooler word, that he almost didn't answer but it could be Ric or Elena or even Bonnie so he pulled it out of his pocket tiredly. He frowned as he looked down at an unknown number flashing across the screen. He rolled his eyes and flipped the phone open

"Hello?" He asked, he heard silence on the other end

Stefan froze as he heard Damon's voice, it sounded so tired and sad and angry, a combination that seemed like Damon was definitely feeling all 170 of his years and that made Stefan even sadder and guiltier and caused more tears to slip down.

"Hello?" Damon asked annoyed

Stefan was crying harder and trying to hide it. He was surprised Klaus couldn't smell the extra salt in the air because at this point his face was drenched and he was losing composure faster every second; so there was no way he was able to stop the sob that escaped his lips.

Damon stiffened as he heard it. Seventeen years as humans and 145 years as vampires meant that Damon knew Stefan better than anyone else could ever hope to. He knew Stefan's cry, sadly he'd caused it more than enough times over the years of their immortality to be able to pick it out of a crowd but he still asked

"Stefan?" He heard another sob that was more than enough confirmation for him.

"Stefan,"

"Stef, come on talk to me brother" Damon said with a hint of desperation in his voice. Stefan looked back at the bar where he could see Klaus enjoying his time torturing Ray and compelling various patrons to join his sadist party. Stefan quickly darted into the forest across the street keeping the bar in sight but walking far enough away and speaking low enough that Klaus would have to really concentrate to hear him

"Stefan, are you still there?"

"I'm..." he said but trailed off because that question was so much more loaded than Damon realized

"I don't know. I feel like I can't hold on. I'm... I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you, I'm sorry for killing Andie and all those people. I..." Stefan trailed off sobbing. Damon's heart broke at the sound and he moved back towards Stefan's bed, sitting gingerly on the edge with tears now slipping down silently for his brother.

"Listen to me Stefan, don't you apologize to me. That wasn't you, that was what Klaus made you do. You're doing what you have to do to survive. You have to keep going."

"I can't. I just want to turn it all off." He said with his pain clear in his voice

"If it were that simple Stef, if you could just flip it on and off on a whim, I'd tell you to do it because I'd do anything to spare you the pain you're going through now but you need to feel it." Stefan felt his body shaking harder from the sobs he was trying his best to keep at bay as he lifted his eyes to the night sky hopelessly.

"If not for yourself then do it for me. I... I just can't lose you anymore than I already have." Damon added sadly

"Damon... I love you and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Stefan said as he realized he'd been out here too long

"I... I love you too Stef. And Stefan? You're gonna be okay, I promise you." Stefan let the most agonized of his sobs come through as he listened intently to his brother and nodded even though he knew Damon couldn't see but for some reason, part of him said that Damon knew him well enough to know that he was nodding regardless.

"I know it seems so hard right now Stefan. I know that you want to give up and give in to the ripper, give in to Klaus but no matter what anyone says you have to know you're strong enough to resist. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met Stef, don't let them win. As long as you remember yourself, remember that you're loved they can't win and I love you Stefan, Elena loves you. Not to mention Caroline, Bonnie, Alaric, Jeremy, Matt & Tyler we're all fighting for you and waiting for you. Don't give up." He didn't mention that Andie was helping as well because that would make his brother feel even guiltier and that's the last thing he needed, he'd just decide to turn it off and wouldn't be able to turn it back on again without extreme measures being taken

"I won't... thank you." The two stayed on the phone just drinking in the fact that they were actually having a real conversation. Stefan's head snapped up as he heard Klaus call out to him

"I have to go" Stefan said reluctantly

"Alright, just... I'll be waiting for you; I won't give up on you even when you give up on yourself. Hold on to that okay?"

"Okay." Stefan hung up and he felt lighter and heavier at the same time. He grabbed a passing rabbit and drained it messily making sure to get blood on his shirt and all over his mouth and chin so he'd have an excuse for not being in the parking lot. He broke through the tree line and walked back across the street to Klaus, who smirked upon seeing Stefan's appearance

"Get thirsty did we?"

"Darts and wolfsbane got a little tedious." He said in that ripper tone which literally dripped smugness

"When we're done we'll get a drink, a real drink" Klaus said eyeing the blood on his shirt knowingly before walking back inside with him. Damon was waiting for him, he had to hang on, and he wouldn't disappoint him.

Damon stared at his phone after Stefan clicked his off, signaling the conversation's end. Damon quickly saved the number his brother called from, he wasn't stupid enough to call back and risk Stefan but it made him feel better knowing that he had something linking him to Stefan. His anger was replaced with sadness at his brother's predicament and his grief. He wished he was there to pull him into his arms and tell him it'd be okay but when they got him back which they would, he wouldn't waste another second.

Across town Bonnie smiled a small smile at Damon's message. 'Thanks little witch'.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: So I really love Defan brotherhood/friendship and I am Team Salvatore all the way. I say to hell with the triangle I want the brothers to bond more because they really do make my day. I don't really ship Stelena as much anymore and I can't stand Delena.


End file.
